No More Lap Dances, The Strippers Are Cryin

So, as most of us already know, lap dances are now illegal in Ohio, and the proposed remedy – an initiative that was supposed to be on today’s ballot – was rejected by the Secretary of State last week.

I’ve been reviewing this issue lately. Has anyone actually read the law? Here is a summary of the bill.

What do I find most disturbing? The clause of the bill that states:

· Prohibits a patron of a sexually oriented business who is not a member of the employee's immediate family to knowingly touch any employee of the business while that employee is nude or seminude or touch the clothing of any employee while that employee is nude or seminude.

Yikes! I can only touch the stripper if I am related to her? Where the hell are we, Kentucky?

Now, as it turns out, the guy who’s behind all these kind of laws – Phil Burress – is an admitted porn addict, who’s been "reformed". What is that old saying? The hardest people on smoking are former smokers? It would seem that the same holds true for sexual dysfunction.

You gotta feel sorry for Ol’ Phil, though. The guy is obviously so fundamentally twisted and unable to manage his own anxieties, that he feels a burning passion to project his own nuerotic longings onto others. He can’t deal with his issues, so he’ll use the legislative process – infringing upon your liberties – to manage his feelings.

And what strikes me as even more perverse is that, while he can’t stomach the idea of two consenting adults from getting too close to each other, he and his group thinks that touching the stripper is perfectly OK if that stripper is your mom. Phil has no problem with people engaging in sexually suggestive activities with blood relations.

Hello?! Can anyone say Oedipus Complex??

I think Phil needs more time in therapy.